25 July 2010
“A little mayo with that if you please?”
The “Sandwich Generation,” is a term for the generation of people who care for
their aging parents while supporting their own children. According to the Pew
Research Center, just over one of every eight Americans ages forty to sixty are
both raising a child and caring for a parent, in addition between seven to ten
million adults care for their aging parents from a long distance. The number of
older Americans age sixty-five or older will double by the year 2030. I chose
to write about one special woman and that is my mother. She represents the many
elderly Americans cared for by either their family or an institution. The
stress that the “sandwich generation” experiences can be overwhelming and add
to their worries and frustrations, unless relief is provided from family,
friends and various agencies.
My service project became one of caring for my mother Mary, whom two years ago
experienced a myocardial infarction, which also resulted in a cerebral vascular
accident, (CVA). The resulting brain damage left her struggling in her attempts
to maintain her very independent lifestyle while being able to understand at
the same time that “her body was willing but her mind was not.” Mary was a
woman who up until her medical problems incapacitated her was driving a car, sewing,
cooking, going to church, and participating in various craft classes. When she
came home from the hospital, she was unable to recognize beyond the immediate
needs, “I am hungry, I need to go to bed, I want to go home,” phrases dealt
with on a daily basis. Despite her physical struggles, she could tell you her
name, date of birth, where she lived, the time of day but could not prepare a
simple meal or even to remember to eat the meal if she managed to prepare it.
She needed reminders daily to eat, drink, take her medicines, rides to the
doctor’s offices, housekeeping duties, laundry were all projects that needed to
accomplished on a daily basis.
Providing my mother with the various tasks of ensuring her safety is time
consuming, emotionally draining and the dynamics of my relationship with my
mother has challenges me and I will become a better nurse when I enter the
nursing profession. Understanding the struggles of providing daily care to
ensure the health, safety and well-being of your parent is heart breaking,
emotionally draining as the child assumes the role of the parent and the parent
becomes the child. The challenges I face are ones of self-doubt, am I doing the
right thing when I insist my brother care for her adequately when he lived in
the same house as she did. The resulting neglect from his lack of care for her
has damaged my relationship with my brother to the point that I do not believe
that it will ever be resolved.
This neglect and his exploitation were soon resolved, or so I thought, when she
moved into a retirement home, and eventually an assisted living facility.
Sadly, I continued to watch him exploit her for money in order to pay his
bills, put gas in his car, buy beer and cigarettes. Her willingness to be an
enabler to his exploitation, “I will give him money if that means I can see him
and he takes me shopping,” is a phrase I heard repeatedly. Her companion, now
residing in another assisted living facility two hours away began speaking with
her recently on the phone, resulting in a crises whereupon she left the
facility, withdrew over one thousand two hundred dollars from her bank , and
purchased several bus tickets so that she could get her companion and move into
an apartment to live independently. A task that was unrealistic and impractical
given their mental and physical abilities. Not knowing the location of my
mother, knowing she had a decreased mental capacity and unable to make rational
decisions I turned to the Department of Children and Families for assistance.
In cooperation with the local police department, my mother was quickly located,
and after ensuring that she was in capable hands, we left her to sleep in the
hotel room she had booked for the night. My brother throughout the search for
her was at his home sleeping, unconcerned that his confused mother was lost
somewhere in Ocala, Florida. A psychiatric evaluation performed that week and
the proceedings for guardianship began.
The process for guardianship was brief but comprehensive. An evaluation from
three independent individuals: a physician, a nurse, and a social worker
appointed by the court interviewed various family members, friends, and the
staff where she lived. The court appointed an attorney to represent my mother
and I secured an attorney to ensure that the proper legalities were followed.
After all the evaluations were complete, the results are forwarded to the
courts and the concerned individuals appear before the judge who reviewed the
documents and made his decision. In the case of my mother she was declared
incapacitated and I was awarded a full guardianship to ensure the safety, well-
being and care for my mother both financially and medically. I do the
guardianship for her without payment although I must comply with the court
mandates to reimburse expenses that I incur for gas mileage and anything
related directly to her care.
The “sandwich generation,” does struggle in coping with major stress on their
finances, emotions, and relationships. According to a 1990, Newsweek article, a
woman spends 17 years raising her children and 18 years helping their aging
parents. Helping them to cope and find ways to manage their stress will improve
the overall family unit. There are many things an individual can do to cope and
deal with the pressures involved, they can talk with a counselor, find time for
themselves and their family, regular exercise, and eating nutritiously. Having
open communications with family, maintaining regular family time. Plan
vacations, school activities, living life to the fullest while at the same time
being practical, including their elderly family in activities, and not shutting
them out, while at the same time ensuring that their environment is safe and
nurturing.
I went back to school to pursue my nursing degree, my children are active and
while one heads to college life away from home, the other will enlist in the
military. I take zumba classes with my daughter as a way to work off my stress
and feel good about myself. I know that the decisions I have made concerning my
mother are ones that others have made for their loved one. They are hard
decisions, ones that you never want to make, but at the end of the day when the
lights go off and you lay your head on the pillow to close your eyes, you can
sleep well knowing you have done your very best to care for the ones you love.
“The sandwich generation,” yes, that is me, I will take mine with a slice of
tomato and a little mayo on the side if you please.
