A Little Mayo with that please

25 July 2010

“A little mayo with that if you please?”

    The “Sandwich Generation,” is a term for the generation of people who care for their aging parents while supporting their own children. According to the Pew Research Center, just over one of every eight Americans ages forty to sixty are both raising a child and caring for a parent, in addition between seven to ten million adults care for their aging parents from a long distance. The number of older Americans age sixty-five or older will double by the year 2030. I chose to write about one special woman and that is my mother. She represents the many elderly Americans cared for by either their family or an institution. The stress that the “sandwich generation” experiences can be overwhelming and add to their worries and frustrations, unless relief is provided from family, friends and various agencies. 

    My service project became one of caring for my mother Mary, whom two years ago experienced a myocardial infarction, which also resulted in a cerebral vascular accident, (CVA). The resulting brain damage left her struggling in her attempts to maintain her very independent lifestyle while being able to understand at the same time that “her body was willing but her mind was not.” Mary was a woman who up until her medical problems incapacitated her was driving a car, sewing, cooking, going to church, and participating in various craft classes. When she came home from the hospital, she was unable to recognize beyond the immediate needs, “I am hungry, I need to go to bed, I want to go home,” phrases dealt with on a daily basis. Despite her physical struggles, she could tell you her name, date of birth, where she lived, the time of day but could not prepare a simple meal or even to remember to eat the meal if she managed to prepare it. She needed reminders daily to eat, drink, take her medicines, rides to the doctor’s offices, housekeeping duties, laundry were all projects that needed to accomplished on a daily basis. 

    Providing my mother with the various tasks of ensuring her safety is time consuming, emotionally draining and the dynamics of my relationship with my mother has challenges me and I will become a better nurse when I enter the nursing profession. Understanding the struggles of providing daily care to ensure the health, safety and well-being of your parent is heart breaking, emotionally draining as the child assumes the role of the parent and the parent becomes the child. The challenges I face are ones of self-doubt, am I doing the right thing when I insist my brother care for her adequately when he lived in the same house as she did. The resulting neglect from his lack of care for her has damaged my relationship with my brother to the point that I do not believe that it will ever be resolved.
This neglect and his exploitation were soon resolved, or so I thought, when she moved into a retirement home, and eventually an assisted living facility. Sadly, I continued to watch him exploit her for money in order to pay his bills, put gas in his car, buy beer and cigarettes. Her willingness to be an enabler to his exploitation, “I will give him money if that means I can see him and he takes me shopping,” is a phrase I heard repeatedly. Her companion, now residing in another assisted living facility two hours away began speaking with her recently on the phone, resulting in a crises whereupon she left the facility, withdrew over one thousand two hundred dollars from her bank , and purchased several bus tickets so that she could get her companion and move into an apartment to live independently. A task that was unrealistic and impractical given their mental and physical abilities. Not knowing the location of my mother, knowing she had a decreased mental capacity and unable to make rational decisions I turned to the Department of Children and Families for assistance. In cooperation with the local police department, my mother was quickly located, and after ensuring that she was in capable hands, we left her to sleep in the hotel room she had booked for the night. My brother throughout the search for her was at his home sleeping, unconcerned that his confused mother was lost somewhere in Ocala, Florida. A psychiatric evaluation performed that week and the proceedings for guardianship began.

    The process for guardianship was brief but comprehensive. An evaluation from three independent individuals: a physician, a nurse, and a social worker appointed by the court interviewed various family members, friends, and the staff where she lived. The court appointed an attorney to represent my mother and I secured an attorney to ensure that the proper legalities were followed. After all the evaluations were complete, the results are forwarded to the courts and the concerned individuals appear before the judge who reviewed the documents and made his decision. In the case of my mother she was declared incapacitated and I was awarded a full guardianship to ensure the safety, well- being and care for my mother both financially and medically. I do the guardianship for her without payment although I must comply with the court mandates to reimburse expenses that I incur for gas mileage and anything related directly to her care.

    The “sandwich generation,” does struggle in coping with major stress on their finances, emotions, and relationships. According to a 1990, Newsweek article, a woman spends 17 years raising her children and 18 years helping their aging parents. Helping them to cope and find ways to manage their stress will improve the overall family unit. There are many things an individual can do to cope and deal with the pressures involved, they can talk with a counselor, find time for themselves and their family, regular exercise, and eating nutritiously. Having open communications with family, maintaining regular family time. Plan vacations, school activities, living life to the fullest while at the same time being practical, including their elderly family in activities, and not shutting them out, while at the same time ensuring that their environment is safe and nurturing. 

    I went back to school to pursue my nursing degree, my children are active and while one heads to college life away from home, the other will enlist in the military. I take zumba classes with my daughter as a way to work off my stress and feel good about myself. I know that the decisions I have made concerning my mother are ones that others have made for their loved one. They are hard decisions, ones that you never want to make, but at the end of the day when the lights go off and you lay your head on the pillow to close your eyes, you can sleep well knowing you have done your very best to care for the ones you love. “The sandwich generation,” yes, that is me, I will take mine with a slice of tomato and a little mayo on the side if you please.