Happy Places

    Do you have a happy place that you go to when times get tough.  Maybe it is a place you can travel to that lets you get away from the drudgery of life.  Maybe you can only get away in your own home, with a good book and a good cup of tea.  Wherever it is I hope you have a special place where you can just block out the cares of the world and have some me time.
    I find that my happy places are few and far between, that I have to struggle to get those times when I can just sit back and say... ahhh and close my mind to worries and difficulties.  Lately my mom has been on a path of arguments and strife.  I truly see a person that is so miserable yet seems to cherish their misery.  I am the object of her wrath.  I can do nothing right and all that I do is wrong in her eyes.  As she told me recently "You should have been aborted when I had a chance to do so.  I should have killed you and your father."  Is she in her right mind... no... but that does not take the bitter taste from her words.  "Out of the mouth speaks the abundance of the heart."  Her heart by virtue of disease is filled with venomous wrath and hatred for anyone that does not coddle to the changing whims and fancies she clings to.
    I find myself looking at my mother as someone I no longer know.  I find myself wondering about the scriptures in the Bible that speak about how the mouth speaks the abundance of the heart.  I truly question if my mother has always been this way and I have just been blind to those facts because... well because she is my mother.  Are these things that my father struggled with her as well.  I know I have seen these behaviors in her when she lived with my brother, only now magnified living here with me.  I cannot say that I like my mother very much, I do love her and I am saddened that she has become this cruel bitter hateful person that is not capable of seeing the beauty of the world around her.
    I find that such a difficult concept to live by.  Bitterness and hatred, those are such strong emotions...

Have you ever just looked at something and be so struck by its beauty that you are filled with joy?  Maybe it is a cloudless sky that is so blue it makes your heart cry out to God, thanking him for a beauty that is so pure that you are filled with joy.  I find it is in those times that I am able to find my happy places.  Seeing the joy of a beautiful flower, or a blue sky or a field that is waving its sweet flowers and grass in praise to the one that created it all.  Maybe its the laughter of your children or seeing them achieve goals that they have long dreamed about.  I recently said farewell to my sweet daughter and my son in law as they begin their journey towards the mission field.  It was absolutely the right thing for them, but oh how heavy my heart was.  It seemed the week leading up to their departure was one of struggles and strife as my mother became more difficult by the moment, refusing to acknowledge that it was hard for her as well.  I cherished each day I spent with my daughter and on the final day I woke with tears streaming down my cheeks only to be met with even more strife from mom.  As if Satan himself knew that my heart was so sad and burdened and that I was seeking God's mercy to grant me peace and strength.  I raised my children to be independent but in that weak hour, Oh how I wanted to change my mind and hold them close to me, that way my heart would not hurt so much.  But you know that evening when they came over for dinner, it was such a sweet evening filled with laughter, love and cherished memories, the bottles of wine raised in toasts to their future.  God was so good to me and granted me the strength I so desperately needed in those moments.  I know that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  My mom.. well that is still a daily trial, but God grants me the strength to do the task I have been charged with.  I know that I am doing the right thing and that in the end God knows my heart.  My happy places are the times I have spent with my children, the hope of future cherished times with them.  I start school soon and probably a new much hoped for job.  

This is the flower that will always be for my daughter, she is my sunshine and joy.  

I count it all joy that God lets me find happiness in small things. 

You are beautiful

Today I watched a short video "You are beautiful" produced by Dove Skin Care.  The took women and had them sit with a forensic sketch artist.  He asked various questions of them asking them to describe various aspects of their features.  They could not see or know what he was doing but it became apparent to them that he was drawing them without having the benefit of seeing them beforehand.

They left and he then brought in other individuals that had been assigned to get to know these lovely people.  He asked them the same questions about the people they had gotten to know.  The results were heartwarming and so encouraging.  He then brought in the original group to a room that had been set up as an art gallery.  He showed them the drawing where they had described themselves to him.  Then he revealed the drawing showing how other people saw them.  It was like looking at the same person yet a different person.

I cried as I watched this video, in my words, I am not pretty, I am overweight, my face is round, my hair does not do what I want it to do, I have an ugly smile, I am not physically fit.  I laugh like a chicken.  I am a nobody.  Yet recently someone told me I was beautiful... really?  You think I am beautiful... wow.. that's nice.  My daughter tells me I am pretty, I love to know that my children think I am beautiful.  For I do not think I am.  Recently my mom told me I was my dad's favorite, that he would do anything for me.... wow!!!  I am someone's favorite.  I was the apple of someone's eye.

I know that I am a beautiful, caring, loving, giving person.  I care deeply for everyone and enjoy laughing, reading and spending time with people I care about.

How I see myself is not how others see me.  They look beyond my flaws, my idiosyncrasies, my insecurities and they see me.

I have attached the video I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.  In my eyes you are each beautiful and special and just who you are supposed to be.  I love you!

http://mashable.com/2013/04/15/dove-ad-beauty-sketches/

Me!

My daughter keeps telling me that I have to tell you who I am.  Well my first answer is well... I am me!  But that is not too good.  On first thought I would tell you I am no one.. but that is not true!  I am a full time care giver for my mother who suffers from dementia and a slew of other psychological/behavioral issues.  I am a mom to two wonderful children Erin and Stephen who God entrusted to my care.  I am a person that sometimes feels very beaten down by life but I love life and I marvel at the beauty and detail that God put into my world to make it beautiful.  My motto is that my life is an adventure and I want to enjoy the ride!  My theme words are Courage and Attitude!  My trials leave me trodden down which makes me afraid to try some things....like flying in an airplane!  But God willing I am going to go up in a plane with Erin's sweet husband Josh.. soon!  I am learning from my children to exercise courage to try new things even if I am afraid... just do it!  hmm.. else can I say.. I love video games, reading, travel, new foods, baking, cooking, crafts, organization, order, solitude, coffee with my daughter and daughter in law.  Being outside feeling the breeze on my face.  Yes that is me...

FRUSTRATION!!!

ugh!  I know this is so whiney but I am going to say it anyway!  I hate dementia, I hate alzheimers I hate that it takes people and makes them seem perfectly normal and makes them perfectly abnormal.  I love my mother but her disease makes is to difficult to like her some days.  Severe anxiety disorder, takes enough anti-anxiety medications that I would probably be able to have surgery and I would sleep through it and never know.  Yet three to four hours after she takes them she is going strong, becoming more agitated, digging at her skin and doing whatever she can to escalate my frustration and then becoming mystified when I try and help her.

Have I handled situations perfectly... not in the least, but I realized last night that I can talk very loudly, (which does not phase her) OR like last night talked very softly to her and saw that it made no difference.  As a matter of fact talking softly only allowed her to talk over top of me telling me I should change my tone.  HUH!!  Are you kidding me.  Then trying to calm her down- a third lorazepam  sleepy tea, re-fixing her bed she tries to inform me that she is taking my brother shopping so that he can purchase $100 worth of clothes.  Yea right... just call me stupid.

So my hours of solitude are being stolen from me by a madwoman- there is no time during the day that I can call my own.  I look at my mother and I see a woman that i seriously question if she has ever been happy. I honestly cannot answer that question.

Standing In The Gap

I posted yesterday about being a member of the sandwich generation.   That was in 2010, and so much has happened since then:

• I graduated with my AA degree in Criminal Justice
• I graduated with my BA in Criminal Justice/Business Management
• My mom moved in with me and I now care for her at home.

    It has been very enlightening for me having my mom live with me.  It was sort of timely that she moved in with me.  The house I had been renting was "sold" (not really, but the dishonesty shown us over that house is for another day.) Needing a place to live, we started looking, Mom living in an assistant living facility for people with Alzheimer's, desperately asked us to let her live with us.  After much prayer, consultation, and thought we made the decision that it was the right thing to do, and mom moved with us to our new home.

`Mom has traveled a hard a hard road.  Suffering from a heart attack and stroke in December of 2007 it changed everyone's lives that day.  She lived in several different living facilities, none of which ever suited her preferences.  But then again those preferences were based upon a reality that no longer existed.  Mom now lives in an altered reality that tells her:

• She is capable of living on her own
• Fixing her own meals
• Cleaning up her home
• Shopping for groceries
• Crafts-sewing and bead work
• Church activities

    Reality is that she lacks the thought process to do these things.  She is able to initiate the thought process and to an extent carry them out, but she lacks the ability to complete out the thought process from start to finish.  She is barely able to maintain order in her own room and bathroom, needing assistance to accomplish the heavier duty tasks such as dusting, mopping, and sweeping.  She can do her own laundry and I think she actually washes as many clothes as my son did when he lived at home.  She can prepare toast and her tea (thank you Keurig) and maybe cornbread or cookies with assistance with cleanup and food prep.  

  

    Living with me has given me a shapshot of  all her previous complaints:  

• I am too cold
• I "need" new shoes, pants, shirts, dresses, get my hair done, need a manicure, pedicure, perm my hair, color my hair.
• "You can't tell me what to do I HAVE MY RIGHTS!" (that is a frequent complaint of her's at the assistant living facilities when the rules were enforced)
• I'm hot
• I'm hungry
• I can't sleep
• Get me this, get me that... as she sits in her "princess chair"

   This snapshot has given me insight to her behaviors as these are all things that she has tried while living here.  Getting her to a psychiatrist to at least sort out the behavior issues and "maybe" once in her life give her some peace will perhaps give her a short time of happiness with the world around her.  Is it the perfect life... not by far, but it is a good life and one that I am honored to be able to give back to this woman who worked so hard to provide a stable home for my brother and me.  It is a hard road, and many days I want to throw the towel in, but I am here for the long haul.  Caring for my mother has given me a strength and resolve that I did not know I had.  I am her advocate, I stand in the gap between her and the rest of the world.  That is a very powerful place to be.

~peace everyone

me

A Little Mayo with that please

25 July 2010

“A little mayo with that if you please?”

    The “Sandwich Generation,” is a term for the generation of people who care for their aging parents while supporting their own children. According to the Pew Research Center, just over one of every eight Americans ages forty to sixty are both raising a child and caring for a parent, in addition between seven to ten million adults care for their aging parents from a long distance. The number of older Americans age sixty-five or older will double by the year 2030. I chose to write about one special woman and that is my mother. She represents the many elderly Americans cared for by either their family or an institution. The stress that the “sandwich generation” experiences can be overwhelming and add to their worries and frustrations, unless relief is provided from family, friends and various agencies. 

    My service project became one of caring for my mother Mary, whom two years ago experienced a myocardial infarction, which also resulted in a cerebral vascular accident, (CVA). The resulting brain damage left her struggling in her attempts to maintain her very independent lifestyle while being able to understand at the same time that “her body was willing but her mind was not.” Mary was a woman who up until her medical problems incapacitated her was driving a car, sewing, cooking, going to church, and participating in various craft classes. When she came home from the hospital, she was unable to recognize beyond the immediate needs, “I am hungry, I need to go to bed, I want to go home,” phrases dealt with on a daily basis. Despite her physical struggles, she could tell you her name, date of birth, where she lived, the time of day but could not prepare a simple meal or even to remember to eat the meal if she managed to prepare it. She needed reminders daily to eat, drink, take her medicines, rides to the doctor’s offices, housekeeping duties, laundry were all projects that needed to accomplished on a daily basis. 

    Providing my mother with the various tasks of ensuring her safety is time consuming, emotionally draining and the dynamics of my relationship with my mother has challenges me and I will become a better nurse when I enter the nursing profession. Understanding the struggles of providing daily care to ensure the health, safety and well-being of your parent is heart breaking, emotionally draining as the child assumes the role of the parent and the parent becomes the child. The challenges I face are ones of self-doubt, am I doing the right thing when I insist my brother care for her adequately when he lived in the same house as she did. The resulting neglect from his lack of care for her has damaged my relationship with my brother to the point that I do not believe that it will ever be resolved.
This neglect and his exploitation were soon resolved, or so I thought, when she moved into a retirement home, and eventually an assisted living facility. Sadly, I continued to watch him exploit her for money in order to pay his bills, put gas in his car, buy beer and cigarettes. Her willingness to be an enabler to his exploitation, “I will give him money if that means I can see him and he takes me shopping,” is a phrase I heard repeatedly. Her companion, now residing in another assisted living facility two hours away began speaking with her recently on the phone, resulting in a crises whereupon she left the facility, withdrew over one thousand two hundred dollars from her bank , and purchased several bus tickets so that she could get her companion and move into an apartment to live independently. A task that was unrealistic and impractical given their mental and physical abilities. Not knowing the location of my mother, knowing she had a decreased mental capacity and unable to make rational decisions I turned to the Department of Children and Families for assistance. In cooperation with the local police department, my mother was quickly located, and after ensuring that she was in capable hands, we left her to sleep in the hotel room she had booked for the night. My brother throughout the search for her was at his home sleeping, unconcerned that his confused mother was lost somewhere in Ocala, Florida. A psychiatric evaluation performed that week and the proceedings for guardianship began.

    The process for guardianship was brief but comprehensive. An evaluation from three independent individuals: a physician, a nurse, and a social worker appointed by the court interviewed various family members, friends, and the staff where she lived. The court appointed an attorney to represent my mother and I secured an attorney to ensure that the proper legalities were followed. After all the evaluations were complete, the results are forwarded to the courts and the concerned individuals appear before the judge who reviewed the documents and made his decision. In the case of my mother she was declared incapacitated and I was awarded a full guardianship to ensure the safety, well- being and care for my mother both financially and medically. I do the guardianship for her without payment although I must comply with the court mandates to reimburse expenses that I incur for gas mileage and anything related directly to her care.

    The “sandwich generation,” does struggle in coping with major stress on their finances, emotions, and relationships. According to a 1990, Newsweek article, a woman spends 17 years raising her children and 18 years helping their aging parents. Helping them to cope and find ways to manage their stress will improve the overall family unit. There are many things an individual can do to cope and deal with the pressures involved, they can talk with a counselor, find time for themselves and their family, regular exercise, and eating nutritiously. Having open communications with family, maintaining regular family time. Plan vacations, school activities, living life to the fullest while at the same time being practical, including their elderly family in activities, and not shutting them out, while at the same time ensuring that their environment is safe and nurturing. 

    I went back to school to pursue my nursing degree, my children are active and while one heads to college life away from home, the other will enlist in the military. I take zumba classes with my daughter as a way to work off my stress and feel good about myself. I know that the decisions I have made concerning my mother are ones that others have made for their loved one. They are hard decisions, ones that you never want to make, but at the end of the day when the lights go off and you lay your head on the pillow to close your eyes, you can sleep well knowing you have done your very best to care for the ones you love. “The sandwich generation,” yes, that is me, I will take mine with a slice of tomato and a little mayo on the side if you please.

Darling Daughter

This is my beautiful sweet daughter and her wonderful sweet husband... they are like two peas in a pod. I cannot believe it has been almost two years since they made their commitment to each other.  But I have seen their love grow in grace and steadfastness.  Their adventures are just beginning and yet there is such excitement as God begins to prepare them for the next part of their journey.  I cherish the time I get to spend with you each week my darling daughter.  When God chose you to be mine there was no brighter star in my heart.  I look forward to seeing where God takes you and Josh.  Josh you are so strong and steadfast for Erin, you both were made for each other.  I love you both.

13 Happy Things

What makes me happy?  There are a lot of things that I find pleasure in and maybe some people will find them silly but seems to me that there are times when something just makes me want to smile and I feel this simple pure joy start to  bubble up from inside.  I decided that I would write down these simple pleasures so I could visit with them from time to time remembering the joy they brought me.  As you look through my list of what makes me happy, think about what makes you happy and maybe you should write them down too!

13 Things that make me happy!

1     sunshine
2.    bumblebees
3.    flowers
4.    trees
5.    fairies
6.    yellow flowers
7.    warm sunny day
8.    A dark stormy day
9.    The smell of a new car
10.  Giving my children hugs
11.  Sitting on the porch and feeling the warm sun, on a cool day.
12.  Coffee
13.  video games
14.  talking on the telephone.
15.  Seeing my children's happy faces.

Well I guess I went past 13 happy things, and I know these are subject to change.  When you feel that joy start to bubble from deep inside you, take a minute to savor that wonderful delicious feeling and let it wash over you and for just that short moment in time, relish that moment of pure blissful happiness!

So... what makes you  happy?